Dear AT&T,

I’d like to cancel my U-verse internet service.  I went to my account at att.com to do just that, but after 15 minutes of fucking around on your labyrinthine support site discovered that the only way to cancel my service is to call you on the goddamn phone.  So I gave you a call.  Then your robot answered and had me put in a bunch of numbers.  Then I was put on hold for 27 minutes, until I had to finally give up so I could leave my office and drive home in LA traffic.  Have you ever been in LA traffic?  It really sucks, especially after wasting half an hour of your life listening to horrible on-hold music punctuated by the occasional message from a robot telling you how much it values your time.  I digress.

I tried to call again when I got home, but your robot told me I have to call again tomorrow during “regular business hours”–a time during which I’ll be working and generally not have 27 minutes or more to be on hold with you.  You know what would solve this problem?  Letting me do this bullshit on your fucking website!

Now, I realize you’re forcing me to call so that you can have a human somewhere on the other side of the planet try to dissuade me from canceling.  But you know, I’m a busy person and a grown man.  I can make my own decisions and I don’t like wasting time.  Please just give me a massive button on the website that says “Cancel My Service”.  I’ll fill out your wonderful form and then afterwards, if you like, you can call and find out why I canceled.  And I can decide if I want to talk to you or not.  Sound good?

Sincerely,

Sean